Yesterday, on our ride home from a day of family fun, and unable to keep my eyes open, I confessed to my husband that i’m exhausted.
I didn’t think he really understood me so, I repeated, “No, seriously. I’m so exhausted.”
“Alhamdililah (Thank God)”, he sighed.
He’s right. Thank God for my children. Thank God for another day. Thank God that their tummies full and smiles are painted on their face.
But that doesn’t take away from the fact that i’m exhausted.
My day is a constant caring for small children. Tugging at my leg. Screaming their wants, either verbally or with sharp cries. Some days, I go to sleep with my ears ringing and my head pounding.
I remember a friend of mine asking me how is motherhood. I responded with, “today’s a good day.” She stared at me blankly, as if waiting for an explanation. So I waited a few seconds and I explained.
“See, I wake up not knowing if the day will go good or bad. It’s not up to me. It’s up to them [the children].”
Her eyebrows rose. She looked concerned.
My palms got sweaty. “Oh no”, I thought.
“Oh, don’t get me wrong, most days are good days…” My friend’s face relaxed. “… like so far my last bad day was Wednesday…” She looked concerned again. Probably because Wednesday was only two days ago.
“Er, um, yeah motherhood is really … you know … alhamdililah. Would you like some tea?” I awkwardly changed the subject.
It’s hard to explain what bad days are like as a mom to non-parents. Mainly because when days are bad, they are really bad.
Sometimes, I just want to runaway. I just want to scream, HELP ME!
There’s no other way to explain a bad day than to compare it to drowning. Just a constant head bowing in and out of water. One minute, everything seems fine then all of a sudden, the current is pulling me under and i’m under water. I panic, despite what the advice tells you to do; I panic.
The only real break I get is during my toddlers nap. I want her to nap. I NEED that nap.
Selfish? I disagree. My mood reflects on the mood of my children. The more patient I am, the easier my day goes. I need those few hours to unwind; to sink into the couch, and plan the rest of my day.
Look at me. Here I am ranting on and on. What about my good days? There are good days, right?
Of course there are!
Let’s just say, I willingly rocked Mariyah to sleep today and as I put her down, I couldn’t believe how incredibly more beautiful she is getting each day.
And as soon as she went to sleep, Fares woke up and I didn’t care. He was as smiley as can be and my heart melted once more.
When the day is good, it’s good! We play, We laugh. Their smiles and laughter fuels me, keeps my heart pumping. I live for them.
I live for the good days.
Thank God for the bad days.